March 2026
Arab League Convenes Emergency Summit To Decide Whether To Let Trump Continue Running The United States
CAIRO — In what geopolitical analysts are calling “an unprecedented yet entirely logical development,” representatives from 22 Arab nations convened in Cairo Wednesday for an emergency summit to collectively determine whether the United States should be permitted to continue operating under its current Chief Executive, Donald J. Trump, whose 90-day trial period, several delegates noted, […]
Global Shipping Crisis Resolved After Iran Eliminates Need For Shipping Entirely
TEHRAN—In what analysts are calling “a bold, elegant, and deeply concerning logistical breakthrough,” Iran announced Thursday that it has successfully resolved ongoing tensions in the Strait of Hormuz by eliminating all regional oil and gas infrastructure, thereby removing the need to transport energy resources through the contested waterway. The move comes after months of escalating […]
U.S. Unveils ‘Not Our Problem’ Doctrine, Reportedly Outsources Latvia to Russia in Spite-Fueled NATO Feud
In a stunning revelation that has left both allies and late-night comedians scrambling for material, senior officials confirmed Tuesday the existence of a covert U.S. strategy in which former President Donald Trump allegedly agreed to let Latvia be invaded as part of what insiders describe as “a bold, emotionally driven geopolitical tantrum.” According to leaked […]
Ukrainian Experimental Spider-Robot Unit Declares World’s First Robot State after Minor Navigation Glitch
NOVOSHAKHTINSK, RUSSIA—What Ukrainian military officials initially described as “a small software irregularity” escalated dramatically Tuesday after an experimental company of spider-shaped Ukrainian military robots reportedly wandered off their assigned patrol route, occupied the Russian border town of Novoshakhtinsk, and declared the world’s first independent robot state. According to Ukrainian defense engineers, the autonomous eight-legged combat […]
Cuba Rushes Navy To Liberate Hormuz Strait In Desperate Bid To Impress United States
HAVANA—In a bold diplomatic maneuver widely described as “extremely proactive,” Cuban officials announced Tuesday that the country has deployed its entire navy to liberate the Strait of Hormuz in hopes of earning the goodwill of the United States before Washington has time to launch any special military operation against Cuba itself. Speaking at a press […]
Democratic Party Elects Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil As New Leader
WASHINGTON—At this week’s national convention, members of the Democratic Party announced that their new leader will be Punxsutawney Phil, the Pennsylvania groundhog famous for predicting the arrival of spring each year. Delegates applauded after officials confirmed that Phil had defeated several human candidates, many of whom admitted the groundhog possessed clear advantages in credibility, consistency, […]
Secret Security Meeting Debates Whether President Can Pronounce “Semiquincentennial”
WASHINGTON—In an emergency closed-door session lasting more than three hours, members of a classified federal committee reportedly gathered Saturday to address what officials described as a “growing national security concern” surrounding the word “semiquincentennial,” the official term for the United States’ upcoming 250th anniversary. According to sources familiar with the meeting, senior staff from multiple […]
Plovdiv Retirement Home Residents Deliver Bold Theories About Mysterious ‘250’ Appearing Next to U.S. Flag
PLOVDIV, BULGARIA— Residents of the St. Ivan Rilski Home for Elderly People gathered this week for what organizers described as an “intellectually stimulating geopolitical quiz,” during which participants were asked to provide the most original explanation for why the number 250 has recently begun appearing next to the American flag in international media. The event, […]
Leaked Audio Reveals Defense Secretary Trying To Explain “Reload Previous Save” Strategy For Operation Epic Fury
WASHINGTON—According to a leaked recording reportedly obtained from sources inside the White House, the U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth spent nearly forty minutes Monday attempting to explain to the president Donald J. Trump the strategic meaning of “going back to a previous save” in order to more successfully repeat the military operation known as […]
Harvard Scientists Reveal Terrifying Reason Epstein Files Cannot Be Fully Released
CAMBRIDGE, MA—A team of researchers at Harvard University announced Tuesday that they have finally uncovered the real reason the remaining files related to Jeffrey Epstein have not been fully disclosed to the public, warning that the truth may be far more disturbing than any existing conspiracy theory. According to the study’s lead author, data scientist […]