March 2026
Kremlin to Advise White House on Best Practices for “Special Military Operations”
WASHINGTON — In what diplomatic insiders are calling “a landmark moment in international cooperation,” the Kremlin announced Wednesday it would be sharing its extensive expertise in conducting Special Military Operations with the White House, following what sources describe as “months of increasingly enthusiastic American interest.” “We are pleased to offer our Full Premium Package,” said […]
Bigfoot Doesn’t Speak French — Yukon Reopens the Klondike
WHITEHORSE — Tensions rose above -40°C this week after a new federal harmonization initiative suggested expanding French language usage “into all symbolic and practical dimensions of public life” across Yukon, including trail signage, snowplow labeling, and potentially bilingual ravens. Reaction from hardened Northern residents was immediate, practical, and thermally layered. At a local coffee shop […]
Scientists Stun the World: the Animal with the Strongest Erotic Fantasies Is… the Sloth
GENEVA — The International Institute for Very Serious Research today released findings that have shaken the zoology, psychology, and slow-movement communities alike: the animal with the most intense fantasy life is… the sloth. Yes, that one. The same creature that appears to spend 14 hours a day contemplating whether lifting its arm is truly worth […]
Moldova’s 100% Woke Robot Defeats Vatican’s 100% Christian Crusader Bot in 12-Round Ces Showdown
LAS VEGAS — CES 2026 took an unexpected theological turn last night when EU-aspiring Moldova unveiled its fully certified 100% WOKE Robot™, Inclusiv-1, only to have it immediately challenged to a 12-round freestyle exhibition match by the Vatican’s own Crusadron-XII™, the world’s first 100% Christian Knight Robot. What began as a policy-forward robotics presentation quickly […]
Turkey Imposes Public Tattoo Tax, Beaches and Football Stadiums Now Classified as “Graphic Display Zones”
ANKARA — In what government officials are describing as “a perfectly reasonable modernization of public space regulations,” Turkey’s Grand National Assembly passed landmark legislation Monday requiring all individuals displaying graphic imagery on their skin in any public space — including beaches, parks, markets, and, yes, football stadiums — to obtain an official display license, effective […]
Pentagon Signs Landmark Deal With RobCo Industries After Anthropic Talks Collapse
WASHINGTON — In what administration officials are calling “an unprecedented leap forward for American defense innovation,” the Pentagon announced Monday that it has finalized a sweeping contract with RobCo Industries, the technology conglomerate helmed by visionary entrepreneur and noted recluse Robert House, following the spectacular collapse of negotiations with AI firm Anthropic, whose representatives reportedly […]