Anti-Putin Shaman Disappears From Locked Ward, Staff Blame “Spiritual Loophole”
In a development hospital staff are describing as “deeply inconvenient,” the Yakut shaman who once vowed to spiritually “exorcise” the Kremlin has reportedly vanished from a locked psychiatric facility, apparently after achieving what officials are calling “unsanctioned enlightenment.”
Medical personnel at a specialized psychiatric hospital near Ussuriysk were startled on the morning of February 24 to discover that Alexander Gabyshev—the Siberian shaman who previously marched toward Moscow to protest President Vladimir Putin—was no longer in his room, despite the door being locked, the windows barred, and reality itself firmly under administrative supervision.
Gabyshev, who openly protested the Russian president and declared him a “dark force,” was placed in the specialized-type psychiatric hospital in April 2022. In July 2022, a court extended his compulsory treatment at the facility located roughly 30 kilometers from Ussuriysk, citing ongoing symptoms of “independent thought” and “geographically ambitious walking.”
Hospital administrators stressed that the disappearance should not be interpreted as an escape. “Our institution remains fully secure,” said one spokesperson, standing confidently beside a completely empty bed. “If anything, the patient has simply transitioned to a less visible plane of observation.”
Security footage from the ward reportedly shows nothing unusual, aside from several minutes of unexplained static and what one guard described as “a strong feeling of existential accountability.” Officials have not ruled out the possibility that Gabyshev has simply resumed his long-interrupted pilgrimage to Moscow, suggesting he may currently be somewhere along a highway shoulder, striding east-to-west with unwavering determination and a thermos of herbal tea, once again attempting to reach the Kremlin on foot—this time via what sources describe as “an unmonitored spiritual exit.”
Local authorities reassured citizens that there is no cause for alarm, emphasizing that any rogue shamans currently at large would be required to file the proper paperwork before confronting evil. Meanwhile, hospital staff have begun a thorough search of the premises, including closets, supply rooms, and the nation’s collective conscience.
As of press time, President Putin had not commented, though several aides confirmed that the Kremlin’s anti-exorcism protocols remain fully operational.
