Science
Science and related stuff
Estonia Unveils 560-Year Plan To Detonate Antimatter Bomb In Deep Space
TALLINN—In what defense analysts are calling “an admirably patient escalation strategy,” Estonian scientists confirmed Tuesday that they have formally submitted a proposal to NASA requesting assistance in transporting 1,000 kilograms of antimatter to the outer edge of the Oort Cloud and detonating it in what officials described as “a reasonably safe direction.” The proposal suggests […]
Confused Bear Drifts Into Gotland by Contraband Balloon, Prompting EU Debate on Airborne Wildlife Smuggling
VISBY, SWEDEN — Residents of the Baltic island of Gotland were left stunned Tuesday morning after a visibly exhausted bear descended peacefully into a sheep pasture beneath a large homemade hot-air balloon believed to have originated in Belarus. Witnesses described the animal as “deeply confused” and “slightly damp.” Local authorities reported that the bear made […]
Missing CERN Antimatter Canister Found Listed on eBay Between Vintage Nokia and “Possibly Haunted” Air Fryer
BUCHAREST, ROMANIA — Global security officials confirmed Tuesday that a missing canister containing several milligrams of highly unstable CERN antimatter protons has resurfaced on eBay, where it was briefly listed under the category “Collectibles > Weird Science Stuff.” The antimatter shipment vanished earlier this year after CERN scientists celebrated what had been described as “a […]
Repeated Tests Confirm Asteroid Sample Contains DNA Identical To Worm Once Living In Cabinet Secretary’s Brain
TOKYO—In a discovery experts described as “deeply unsettling but, in hindsight, extremely on brand,” repeated analyses of material returned from the asteroid Itokawa by the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency’s Hayabusa probe have confirmed the presence of extraterrestrial genetic material that is, according to researchers, a 100% match to DNA extracted from a worm once found […]
China Admits Taikonauts Have Been Quietly Mapping Solar System For Decades
BEIJING — CHINA NATIONAL SPACE ADMINISTRATION PRESS BRIEFING, ROOM 4B — China’s National Space Administration acknowledged Monday that its long-cultivated image as a cautious, methodical, and somewhat behind-schedule space programme was, in retrospect, “a moderately successful piece of strategic communication,” confirming that Chinese taikonauts have been conducting classified deep solar system exploration missions since approximately […]
Superman Confirmed Real, Regrettably Albanian, Scientists Announce
TIRANA—In a discovery described as “deeply inconvenient but scientifically unavoidable,” researchers at the University of Tirana have officially confirmed that Superman exists and is, in fact, a 52-year-old Albanian plumber named Arben Leka. The mild-mannered resident of the small town of Mbrakull reportedly spent decades unclogging drains, fixing leaky faucets, and quietly concealing his ability […]