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TEHRAN—In a stunning breach of national security, confidential Iranian government documents leaked Thursday revealed a…
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TEHRAN—In a stunning breach of national security, confidential Iranian government documents leaked Thursday revealed a long-term strategy aimed not only at normalizing relations with the United States, but also at earning the personal admiration of the American president through what officials described as “proven diplomatic best practices.” The 47-page document, titled Operation Friendship Bomb, reportedly […]
TALLINN—In what defense analysts are calling “an admirably patient escalation strategy,” Estonian scientists confirmed Tuesday that they have formally submitted a proposal to NASA requesting assistance in transporting 1,000 kilograms of antimatter to the outer edge of the Oort Cloud and detonating it in what officials described as “a reasonably safe direction.” The proposal suggests […]
VISBY, SWEDEN — Residents of the Baltic island of Gotland were left stunned Tuesday morning after a visibly exhausted bear descended peacefully into a sheep pasture beneath a large homemade hot-air balloon believed to have originated in Belarus. Witnesses described the animal as “deeply confused” and “slightly damp.” Local authorities reported that the bear made […]
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TEHRAN—In a stunning breach of national security, confidential Iranian government documents leaked Thursday revealed a long-term strategy aimed not only at normalizing relations with the United States, but also at…
TALLINN—In what defense analysts are calling “an admirably patient escalation strategy,” Estonian scientists confirmed Tuesday that they have formally submitted a proposal to NASA requesting assistance in transporting 1,000 kilograms…
VISBY, SWEDEN — Residents of the Baltic island of Gotland were left stunned Tuesday morning after a visibly exhausted bear descended peacefully into a sheep pasture beneath a large homemade…
BUCHAREST, ROMANIA — Global security officials confirmed Tuesday that a missing canister containing several milligrams of highly unstable CERN antimatter protons has resurfaced on eBay, where it was briefly listed…
CAIRO — In what geopolitical analysts are calling “an unprecedented yet entirely logical development,” representatives from 22 Arab nations convened in Cairo Wednesday for an emergency summit to collectively determine…
Trump Orders ‘Terminator’ Rebranded ‘Obliterator’
WASHINGTON — In an executive order described by constitutional lawyers as “unprecedented” and by film historians as “deeply confusing,” President Trump on Sunday demanded that the entire Terminator cinematic universe be immediately rebranded Obliterator, with an AI-rendered version of himself installed as the franchise’s new lead, effective immediately and retroactively. “Nobody obliterates like me. Nobody. […]
EU Proposes Trading Russian Oil For Stolen Art In Bold New “Barter-Based Diplomacy” Initiative
BRUSSELS—In what officials are calling “a refreshingly medieval approach to modern geopolitics,” the European Union unveiled a proposal this week to exchange confiscated Russian oil shipments for thousands of artworks allegedly stolen by Soviet forces after World War II. The plan follows recent U.S.-led efforts to detain shadow-fleet tankers suspected of illegally transporting Russian oil. […]
Canada Announces Abrupt Switch To French, Nation Rebrands Overnight As “Extremely Polite Europe”
OTTAWA—In a bold move experts are calling “confusing, inconvenient, and deeply on brand,” Canada announced Monday that it is officially abandoning English as a state language and will now conduct all public life exclusively in French. “Nous devons nous souvenir that French was once the global language of diplomacy,” said Prime Minister Kark Carney, reading […]
Last Lithuanian Olympic Biathlete Found Tired But Alive in Switzerland After Accidental Alpine Expedition
MILAN—Several days after the closing ceremony of the Winter Olympics in Milan and Cortina, officials from the Lithuanian Olympic Committee confirmed Monday that the nation’s final missing biathlete has been located “fatigued, mildly apologetic, but in excellent shooting form” in neighboring Switzerland. Rolandas Baranauskas, a national biathlon champion who reportedly vanished during the Olympic biathlon […]
Repeated Tests Confirm Asteroid Sample Contains DNA Identical To Worm Once Living In Cabinet Secretary’s Brain
TOKYO—In a discovery experts described as “deeply unsettling but, in hindsight, extremely on brand,” repeated analyses of material returned from the asteroid Itokawa by the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency’s Hayabusa probe have confirmed the presence of extraterrestrial genetic material that is, according to researchers, a 100% match to DNA extracted from a worm once found […]
Trump Single-Handedly Ends China–Taiwan Conflict After Locking Leaders In Room, Nobel Prize “Basically Inevitable”
WASHINGTON—The White House announced Tuesday that the decades-long geopolitical standoff between China and Taiwan has been permanently resolved thanks entirely to U.S. President Donald Trump, who reportedly achieved the breakthrough by inviting both sides into one room and refusing to let them leave until they “figured it out.” “It was very tough. Very, very tough,” […]
Anti-Putin Shaman Disappears From Locked Ward, Staff Blame “Spiritual Loophole”
In a development hospital staff are describing as “deeply inconvenient,” the Yakut shaman who once vowed to spiritually “exorcise” the Kremlin has reportedly vanished from a locked psychiatric facility, apparently after achieving what officials are calling “unsanctioned enlightenment.” Medical personnel at a specialized psychiatric hospital near Ussuriysk were startled on the morning of February 24 […]
China Admits Taikonauts Have Been Quietly Mapping Solar System For Decades
BEIJING — CHINA NATIONAL SPACE ADMINISTRATION PRESS BRIEFING, ROOM 4B — China’s National Space Administration acknowledged Monday that its long-cultivated image as a cautious, methodical, and somewhat behind-schedule space programme was, in retrospect, “a moderately successful piece of strategic communication,” confirming that Chinese taikonauts have been conducting classified deep solar system exploration missions since approximately […]
Dutch Energy Institute Leases Entire State Of Wyoming To Prove Wind Power Doesn’t Work
CHEYENNE, WY — The White House confirmed Thursday that the federal government has agreed to lease the entirety of Wyoming’s federal land — approximately 30 million acres — to the Netherlands-based Energy and Sustainability Research Institute Groningen (ESRIG), in what officials are calling “a real good deal, possibly the best deal, land-wise” following a series […]
Caligula Lecter, Grandson Of Beloved Cannibal, Surges In Kaunas Municipal Polls Ahead Of 2027 Elections
KAUNAS, LITHUANIA — With just months remaining before Lithuania’s 2027 municipal elections, political analysts are struggling to explain the meteoric rise of Caligula Lecter, 34, grandson of the late Dr. Hannibal Lecter, whose campaign slogan — “A Leader Who Really Consumes His Work” — has resonated deeply with Kaunas residents exhausted by decades of conventional […]